Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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