You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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