I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
