i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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