Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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