im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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