I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i love accidental penises.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize