My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
