So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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