found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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