I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
