frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
well, you know. whores of a feather.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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