we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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