a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think I won the penis lottery.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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