you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
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at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
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Alive.
So much puke
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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