JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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