when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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