I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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