Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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