Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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