I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
