my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
