i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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