At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
