finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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