you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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