I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
