my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
