does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
