shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
