she kept yelling 'call me bella'
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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