No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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