There is no way he is gay with that hair.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Help me help you realize you are a moron
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
