The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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