No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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