Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
