Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
