Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
