The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
