I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
