ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
