Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
