better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
