Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
