got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
