watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
