He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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