I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
