okay pat passed out under dana's car
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dating After Heartbreak
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter