i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We need to get me chipped asap