Say something about gay babies.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
