I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
