dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.