evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future