my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
