When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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