I just threw up on my dentist
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
